The Fortitude Chronicle: A Weekly Digest of Athletic Determination

Monday’s Mindset

Forever Stuck Between Gratitude and Heartache

I'm sitting on the floor of my living room, surrounded by a mess of toys. Mari, my vibrant 3-year-old, is spinning in circles, her laughter filling the air. Charli, just 7 months old, is attempting to crawl, her determination evident in her furrowed brow. As I watch them, I'm hit with that familiar wave—a potent mixture of overwhelming gratitude and a deep, aching sense of loss.

This emotional tug-of-war isn't new to me. It's been a constant companion throughout my journey, from the football field to the boardroom, from bachelor to father of two. I'm forever stuck between gratitude and heartache, and I'm beginning to realize that's just part of living a life full of passion and purpose.

I remember standing on the field during the ACC Championship game with Pitt. The roar of the crowd, the weight of the moment—it was everything I'd dreamed of as a kid tossing the ball in my backyard. Fast forward to four days in the Buffalo Bills' minicamp, and then the gut-wrenching moment when I was cut. The gratitude for having made it that far warred with the heartache of seeing my NFL dreams slip away.

But life has a way of offering new dreams, new challenges. I think back to my walk-off pick-6 at Bucknell against Lafayette. As I sprinted towards the end zone, ball in hand, time seemed to slow. The eruption of cheers as I crossed the goal line, my teammates piling on—it was pure elation. Later, seeing the play on SportsCenter, I was filled with pride. Yet, even then, there was a bittersweet edge. Gratitude for the moment, heartache knowing these college days were numbered.

As I transitioned from athlete to entrepreneur, launching Athletic Fortitude, those conflicting emotions came along for the ride. The first business sale was exhilarating—validation that I could succeed off the field as well as on it. But it also brought a new kind of pressure, a fear of being a one-hit wonder. Each success has been accompanied by a nagging worry about the next challenge, each failure tempered by gratitude for the lesson learned.

Now, as I watch Mari and Charli grow, those feelings are amplified tenfold. I'm grateful beyond words for their health, their happiness, for every milestone and silly moment. But there's also a constant undercurrent of heartache. Mari no longer fits in the crook of my arm the way she did as an infant. Charli's newborn scent is fading. Each day brings new wonders, but also marks the passage of time I can never get back.

This duality used to frustrate me. I'd berate myself for not being able to simply enjoy the good moments without this shadow of sadness. But I'm learning to see it differently now. This tension between gratitude and heartache—it's not a flaw. It's what makes the human experience so rich, so meaningful.

The gratitude keeps me grounded, reminds me of how far I've come from that kid dreaming of NFL glory. It helps me appreciate every giggle from Mari, every toothless grin from Charli. The heartache, on the other hand, keeps me hungry. It's a reminder that time is precious, that I need to savor these moments while they're here.

In my football days, I learned that the pain of training was what made victory so sweet. In business, I've found that the stress of risk is what makes success so satisfying. And now, as a father, I'm realizing that this ache of time passing is what makes each moment with my girls so incredibly precious.

So yes, I'm forever stuck between gratitude and heartache. When I see Mari's artwork plastered all over our fridge, I'm thankful for her creativity and simultaneously wistful for the days when her tiny hand could barely grasp a crayon. When I close a big deal for Athletic Fortitude, I'm grateful for the success but ache for the simplicity of those early days hustling in my garage.

But I'm learning to embrace this emotional paradox. To let both the gratitude and the heartache wash over me, to use them as fuel for living more fully, for appreciating more deeply. Because in the end, isn't that what life is all about? The touchdowns and the fumbles, the victories and the defeats, the giggles and the tears—all of it coming together to create this beautiful, messy, bittersweet symphony we call life.

So here I am, watching my girls play, feeling that familiar tug in my chest. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

Two Quotes

1. "The vision of a champion is someone who is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else is watching. It's not the will to win that matters - everyone has that. It's the will to prepare to win that matters. I am building a fire, and everyday I train, I add more fuel. At just the right moment, I light the match." - Mia Hamm

2. "The more difficult the victory, the greater the happiness in winning. It's when you're playing against a really good opponent that you find out how much better you have to play to win. The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital." - Pelé

Three Tweets

To Building Fortitude.

 Best Regards,

Colin Jonov, Founder & CEO Athletic Fortitude